Kevin, a married thirty-seven-year-old manufacturing company executive with two children
From Shadows of the Net
by Patrick Carnes, 2001
Kevin, a married thirty-seven-year-old manufacturing company executive with two children, gives his account of what it's like to be hooked on cybersex:
It is 3:30 A.M. and I'm still online. Pornographic images of men, women, and children stream through my phone wires and onto my computer screen. Earlier tonight, after putting my two kids to bed, I watched the evening news with my wife, Jeneen. Since my wife was tired after a long day at work, she soon went to bed. Though I, too, was exhausted, pri marily from too many late nights on the computer, I, as usual, told her I was still not tired and would stay up late and read for a while.
Once I was sure that Jeneen was asleep, I turned off the bedroom light and headed for the den and the family computer. "OK, tonight I'm just going to stay online for an hour," I promised myself. " It'll be midnight when I'm done, and that's enough time. I really just can't stay up half the night again. Today at work I actually caught myself nod ding off during Alan's important sales plan presentation. I haven't been able to really focus lately, either."
Once I sat down, I arranged my chair and the screen so that if Jeneen should awaken and come in, I'd have a moment to switch the screen view over to a work-related document. I'm more careful now, since a few months ago my wife surprised me and saw the photo of a naked woman I was viewing.
I talked myself out of that embarrassing situation with the excuse that while trying to finish a work project, I'd opened an e-mail from one of my colleagues. In it was a link to a site that the guy had said I would find interesting. It was a porn site, and I told my wife that I'd never seen anything like it and was just looking at it out of curiosity.
I remember only too well how I'd felt at that moment. Heart pounding in my chest. My mouth instantly parched. Feelings of fear, shock, embarrassment, and panic coursing through my body as, in those very, very long moments, I searched for a plausible explanation. I didn't ever want to go through that again. Besides, I knew there would be no good excuse if my wife caught me again.
I'd actually sworn off porn sites after that night. I deleted the bookmarks and told myself that it wasn't worth it. I realized that I loved my wife and children and didn't want to jeopardize these rela tionships over some nude photos.
That promise was broken in less than a week. After a particularly hard day at work, I told myself that I deserved a reward. I'd take just thirty minutes to masturbate, and then I'd go off to bed with Jeneen.
For several evenings, I kept to this thirty-minute ritual. Feeling more confident now with my control over my Internet usage, I decided to give myself an hour each evening. A few weeks passed, and before I knew it, I was online for hours on end again each evening-until two, three, even four o'clock in the morning. I just didn't know where the time was going. What felt like an hour just suddenly turned into three or four. I was searching for just the right woman, just the right look to masturbate to before going to bed. At times, I felt like this Internet thing was spiraling out of control.
I felt extreme anticipation and excitement when I first went online in the evening, the concentration and thrill increasing as I searched various Web sites and found new ones. But after I masturbated, I felt awful. I had so many harsh feelings and was angry for wasting so much time. I felt ashamed and guilty that I had done this again. And worst of all, I felt helpless and full of despair because I realized I didn't know how or when I would be able to stop. Exhausted and beaten down, I quietly slipped into bed, wondering how I was going to make it at work again on just three hours' sleep.
